Thread:Luciellie/@comment-5178030-20121003025356/@comment-5196143-20121007105312

Luciellie wrote: I could say the Grammar mistakes being the problem but you already told me you'd make them so I obviously ignored that, but your biggest problem is that your shoving to much information at once, your character description was quite good yet your never want to use you or your if your writing and you never want to be talking with the audience, both are big no no's in english writing. And I feel like you downplayed Naiyomi majorly, how I read was she was this soft voiced bimbo who doesn't know basic metallurgy, and is astonished by the most simple solutions to any problems. I mean granted your not me so I can understand different interpretations of characters, but I just feel you were way more focused on exalting Anraki as this dominant alpha-male who basically could do anything he wants with Naiyomi, which I guess makes sense since it is your story, but never the less. Ive read many, many books where they dump information on you like your hulk and each fact is a 1 lb weight. in one of them at the beginning, they dumped 20 characters on you, and by the end there were 45, imagine keeping track of all that in the sequel where you have to keep track of who dies and who lives. they werent very good books, by the end of the second one, you didnt even have the original 20, because they all either got lost or died. as for the you and your thing, and speaking to the audience or readers, in a book called peter pan by jm barrie that my mother sent me a year or two ago, the narrator talks to the audience all the time, there isnt a chapter in there where the narrator doesnt speak to the audience. but that was written to entertain irish sons, so it may be like irish writing only or something. in your story, Naiyomi was soft and peaceful then suddenly became stone cold, im trying to make it not so sudden. you see, im giving it an in between part where Naiyomi runs out into the flame and comes out trying to get out by the hole she had been punching in the walls, im helping you ease Naiyomi into that stone cold person that you just suddenly dumped out in front of our eyes. and as we move on to the matter of Anraki, i should write a back story for him, that would clear up the way he acts, i never gave him an attitude description so you have to find him out as you read, but i think a back story would clear things up. if you reread the dialogue held within "Naiyomis sick of being held captive" then youll find that Anrakis job is to protect Naiyomi, hes been in a war, hes been through traumatic childhood memories, and he has a gnack for getting into adventures and quests, they just happen so much to him. hes supposed to take whatever actions he thinks are necessary for getting her out safely, he holds her alot because he had to get to high ground, a feat Naiyomi wouldnt be able to preporm as easily as a highly trained elite with armor made of mystical metal. and he locked her in the eagles nest so that she wouldnt fly off the boat, it was only a safety precaution. he got her a sword for her self protection, thats nice isnt it? Anraki is a complex person, he requires a full description to be figured out. when im done with the story, ill make him a back story. and he fended off 4 tanks in iron and steel on his own, Naiyomi handled one but couldnt actually fight him with as much ease as Anraki. in the next part, Anraki breaks through, Anrakis gonna fade into some sort of background character that haunts the seen, and the events will seem like a team of ghosts are just puppeting the characters. and naiyomi is sure to become harder and b*tchier as the story progresses, im just spilling the beans before i drop the b*itchy bomb with Naiyomi. you just wait.